I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Software Development ⛵️
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.