Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”