poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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Breaking news:
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant