It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.