My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Pretty much. 🤣
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??