Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently