Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Teach your children to beatbox
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it