My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]