*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.