Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing