#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*