why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’ll be mad as hell!
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
How it started How it’s going
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”