luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine