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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
real
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sponch
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase