The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.