I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
You Might Also Like
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.