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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…