Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle