THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”