Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
You Might Also Like
New favorite tiktok
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior