I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.