Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁