Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.