The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping