I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.