My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
why isn’t he texting back
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..