Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
The Compass
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Friday night party time 🥳
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
new career option?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon