ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
thank god
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred