SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt