I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?