Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
just leave it at the foot of the bed
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!