*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.