finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Never be a pizza!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.