What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Wise advice
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year