*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Xylophonist Shredding It
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one