I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Ferrari squats
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.