*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
This is always good for a laugh.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house