*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.