{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The “baby” on the left….
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.