I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
good morning
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening