For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You Might Also Like
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My boss called in sick of me
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
New mindset, who dis?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”