I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?