My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.