There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Maths meets science
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Extremely relatable.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3