Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.