Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆