Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.