[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
he looks great for his age
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf