I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
The pen is writier than the sword.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Cndnsd Mlk
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.