Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
New mindset, who dis?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.